holding the space

Naomi Allen, Professor of Epidemiology, Nuffield Department of Population Health, University of Oxford; and Chief Scientist for UK Biobank

The Women in Science group has been established as a safe space for women in leadership positions within a science/technical related role in the UK. This group provides an opportunity for its like-minded participants to share common challenges, offer support and guidance for one another and encourages the use of open communication channels to enable responsive and accessible contact. Externally, the group represents credible and successful role models who are keen to be the figureheads in challenging the status quo, promote professionalism, share their experience and learnings and advocate the need to have women in positions of leadership and seniority across the board.

I am Naomi Allen, Prof of Epidemiology at Nuffield Department of Population Health at the University of Oxford and Chief Scientist for UK Biobank, a large-scale cohort study and biomedical database and one of the world’s most important and widely-used health research resources, containing a wealth of data on genomics, lifestyle factors and health outcomes on half a million participants.

I thought I would take a stab at writing about ‘self-care’ as an ode to my past self and to provide fair warning of shit to come if this is not attended to. I’m a veteran of self-denial and have learnt the hard way that you can’t ignore the red flags of self-preservation in the pursuit of ‘having it all’. Women are particularly good (or should I say bad) at this type of relentless dervishing, sprinting through mid-life on adrenaline, caffeine and alcohol.

Having a career in academic science is hard. It’s insanely competitive, postdoc positions are short-term jaunts with little career stability (try getting a mortgage with that!) and your professional worth is based on the twin towers of grant funding and publications, the success of which is more random than you might think. Being a woman in academic science is doubly hard. There is a perception that absolute dedication is required (by which I mean long hours rather than good work). There is a relentless fight to get involved in meaningful projects if you’re part-time (by which I mean you’re viewed as less committed rather than less available). There is the stress of not having enough dedicated time to write that grant application or research paper because your working day is snarled up in meetings and your evenings are spent reading Peppa Pig. Then there is the periodic gut-wrenching rejection of not having your work funded or published (or both). It takes a stoic with a thick skin to thrive in that environment.

If you’re one of the lucky – or tenaciously masochist – ones to stick at it long enough to make it to a senior level, then who can advocate for you? One of the reasons for starting this series of blogs is to encourage senior women in the field of science and tech to look out for each other and hold each other up. But in order to do that, you have to be able to put your own needs first. I can speak from bitter experience as to what happens if you ignore this rather obvious point. In my 20s I reached the stage where even the hypothalamic urges of hunger, thirst and sleep were overdriven by my determination to do it all. Looking back, the car-crash that came with it was pretty predictable but I honestly didn’t see it coming. 

In writing this blog, I did the obvious thing and googled ‘work-life balance’ and was aghast at how easy it sounds. The current self-care tropes usually contain the following objectives:

• Mindfulness. I subscribed to an app for a year and I did try quite diligently at first but couldn’t get into it. Kept thinking I haven’t got time for this….! Friends of mine say it’s changed their outlook on life and I am envious if you are one of them.

• Do some exercise. This one I have either have no problem or a huge problem with, depending on your perspective. I swim every morning, where possible. I get up at silly o’clock and do the laps, even if I feel like death. I know this makes me sound slightly unhinged and obsessive and one of those smug goal-orientated perfectionists who is universally hated. But honestly, if I don’t do it, I’m worse.

• De-stress in other ways: Going out and getting shitfaced was my youthful response to this but is probably no longer an appropriate strategy in your mid-50s (esp. if you’re a woman!), plus the hangovers now make me wonder if it’s even worth it…. find what makes you happy and do it. Some of us don’t even know what that is. If you had an afternoon off (I know, hard to imagine, but bear with me), what would be the first thing you would do? Put it in your calendar so you actually do it!

• Sleep more. If I could be granted one wish in life, it would be to fall asleep in under 2 hours. I know that stressing about it at 1am is not conducive to a restful night, but I don’t have the perspicacity to crack this negative cycle. Ladies, is it time to ditch the Fitbit and stop obsessing over sleep-REM cycles?

• Do less. Every woman I know is hurtling their way through life. That might be because I’m surrounded by like-minded people, but I don’t think there are many of us who have the luxury or capability of slowing down. What would we do with the guilt? Answers on a postcard please.

• Seek out others in your situation. If this means going to the pub and moaning about your (lack of) work-life balance, then I’ve got this cracked. In my more reflective moments, it has genuinely led to much needed support and I would encourage all of you to find your allies and be there for each other. Even better if you can find a posse that can actually tell you how it is as opposed to simply providing a vocal comfort blanket.

• Boundaries. This one is the clincher for me. I need to have strict boundaries to avoid monster migraines: proper sleep, regular meals, limited alcohol. Whilst this lifestyle is unbelievably boring and simply not sustainable for any normal person, I’ve discovered belatedly in life that I need those guardrails in place to not be crippled by headaches. I’ve also learnt that I’m not productive during the week if I work the week-ends (genius insight!), plus we all have other shit to do other than work. Kids. Sorting out the house insurance. Going to the tip. Life.

• Choose your goals. Women in particular get caught up in a competitive race of wanting to be the best this and the best that (can insert ‘wife’, ‘mother’, ‘friend’, ‘worker’, ‘daughter’, ‘gym-bod, ‘high-earner’, whatever). Having-it-all is a myth bandied about by high-status urbanites who probably have nannies and cleaners and nice nails. We’re exhausting ourselves trying to attain it. Something has to give – and it will literally be you – unless you realise that being good at a couple of things and average in everything else is actually ok. Not so easy for us type As, but I’ve learnt to accept mediocrity!

Whilst no-one in their right mind would seek me out as a role model for achieving a work-life balance, what I do know is that I never want to crash again. I’ve learnt that self-care is actually about self-preservation rather than self-indulgence. That means knowing your boundaries. Your weaknesses. Your strengths (yes, you have them!).  While you can’t control external demands and stress, you can make a good fist of it by knowing what works for you and sticking to it. Took me years to realise that and yet it’s so bleeding obvious. 

So, the moral of the story is to stop self-flagellating and start self-caring. As L’Oreal keeps telling us: You’re worth it.